Oh! The Elf's Goddess!
by Suni Daughter of Moro
Summary: Legolas is being pressured into choosing a wife when a goddess appears to him in the woods one day. (Parody of Oh! My Goddess!)


Oh! The Elf's Goddess!

By Alicia Maxwell

It was just an ordinary day.  Legolas had left the confines of Mirkwood and ventured out into the woods.  He had been very frustrated of late, for he was now constantly being urged to find a nice Elf-girl to marry… but he hadn't found any females who he liked.  The frustration bore so heavily down upon him that he had not the faintest inkling that a visitor had just sprung out of the tree behind him.

"Hello Legolas Greenleaf!  I've been sent by the Goddess Relief Office to grant you a wish!  What do you desire?" she smiled.

Shocked by the sudden voice, Legolas jumped.  "Where did you come from?  And who are you?"

"I came from the tree.  We goddesses travel through objects of our choosing.  I chose to move through trees because that means I don't have to bother with humans all that much… now that they clear the trees away to build their cities.  Anyway, I am Varda.  What is your wish?"

"Varda?  You're _the_ Varda!?" Legolas blinked.

"Yes, the one, the only.  Now do you have a wish or not?" Varda asked.

"Let me think," Legolas murmured.

"Take your time," Varda sat down on a low-lying tree branch.  "So what's got you so stressed that the heavens saw it necessary to send me to you?"

"I'm supposed to be finding myself a wife," he sighed.

"Why don't you wish to find one?" she offered.

"I don't think there is any right girl for me," he replied.

"Wish for me to make you one then."

"I doubt you could make my soul mate- goddess or not, I doubt it."

"Hmph!  Fine then!  If you don't want my help I'll find need of my relief services elsewhere!" Varda began to storm off.

"Wait!  What about you?" 

"Me?" Varda blinked.

"Yes!  I wish _you_ would stay with me forever!"

"Please wait," she clasped her hands together.  "I have to send a message to the heavens where they will approve or refuse your request."

Legolas gave Varda a puzzled look.  She seemed to be praying but what did a _goddess_ need to _pray for?  He decided it was safe to infer that she was communicating with the heavens telepathically.  All of a sudden, there was a very bright light, and as soon as it had come, it was gone again._

"Your request has been," Varda said, smiling, "accepted."

"I guess I should take you to meet my parents then, huh?  Oh boy…" Legolas sighed.

"What's the matter?" Varda asked.

"My parents won't be happy with me bringing you to live with us right now."

"Why ever not?"

"We aren't married," he replied.  "They would be furious- all they would be able to think about is the possibility of an illegitimate grandchild."

"Don't worry about a thing," Varda insisted.  "The force will take care of things."

"The force?"

"Yes, the force.  It ensures that accepted requests are fulfilled.  If there is even the slightest chance that we will be separated, the force will activate and ensure that nothing comes between us."

"Forgive me for saying so, but I don't care if the force comes from the heavens- it still can't stop my parents."

"Oh why of course you can live here with us Varda dear!" Legolas' mother threw her arms around Varda like she was already a part of the family.

"I told you the force would make things work out perfectly," Varda winked at Legolas.

"This is really scary," Legolas stared at his mother, who was embracing Varda so lovingly.  "Mother has never been early this affectionate toward anyone."

"Oh Legolas! I must go tell your father!  She is really such a sweet girl!  And a goddess at that!  Oh I really must tell your father!" his mother went rushing through the palace searching for his father.

"Tell me Varda," Legolas said.  "Does this force you spoke of have the power to completely destroy and then replace a being's persona?"

"Not really," she answered.  "However, the force can take over your parents long enough for us to get married."

"Then let us get that out of the way as soon as possible," Legolas sighed.

"Why would you say that?  Do you not like the way your mother was just now?"

"Yes and no.  I like the fact that she was nice but it is very unnerving to see her so cheery."

"Now we have but one more obstacle," Varda sighed.

"My father?"

"No… _my sisters."_

"You have sisters, Varda?" Legolas was quite surprised.  He had never heard of Varda having sisters.

"Yes, my elder sister is named Gloriollass.  My younger sister is named Celebriän Arcamenel," Varda nodded.

"A goddess with a last name," Legolas thought when he heard the second name.  "Now that is quite peculiar."

"We aren't full sisters, I'm afraid," Varda mentioned.  "But we sure do make better sisters than most people can!"

"Might I ask… how much of a problem they shall pose?" Legolas queried.

"We'll just have to wait and see," Varda muttered softly with a shrug of her shoulders.


End file.
